Sunday, January 31, 2010

I love blog

I have a long history of blogging, and have never really divulged it, so here goes:

In 2001, I realized the capacity the internet had for connecting with people. Blogs were still explaining that “blog” came from the word “weblog”, and they were just beginning to get mainstream (not yet so much for commercial use, thank god). The internet was awesome, and people on it were still mostly interesting and intriguing. I opened my first blog at xanga. I’m keeping that blog forever, it has posts on it from when I was young and impressionable.. and 14!

I started using blogging as an outlet for my mind, for my sanity. Things were really tough on the homefront, and the only solace I found was through my journaling. I always kept one IRL, but found blogging (and typing) easier to do. I blogged less for others and more for myself. I was able to rant about things that bothered me, interesting experiences and weird, esoteric poetic prose pieces.

Eventually, I developed my html and photoshop skills, and moved myself from xanga to hosted sites. This is probably my fondest experience of blogging.

I met a lot of really genuine, friendly people who were willing to host others for free. I loved making layouts each month, creating different code and images. I LOVED BLOGGING. Eventually, everyone including myself grew up and couldn’t make the commitment to a full-on site, so I moved myself to livejournal and kept up my blogging. I met some people, and the one person who sticks out in my mind from my lj past life is Chris. We became good friends, moving from aim to texts to phone calls in one summer. We are still amazingly close friends, now keeping in touch from each end of the US (CA to NY).

Sometime after summer 2004 was when my bloglife started to die. I began finally rebelling my family life and started going out more regularly. I have to say that is mostly due to my boyfriend at the time, but I don’t regret it. I started fighting for independence„ freedom, and room to breathe. I still wish I kept up blogging, though. I miss being able to look back on that part of my life and seeing the changes that were happening.

I went to college, still living at home, in Fall 2005. By this time, blogging was a faint memory of something I used to do. I still kept a physical journal, but homelife was beginning to really get to me.

Since then I have not been able to really make a decent effort in keeping up my writing or my mind. I want to start up again, and I’m hoping to get back into the groove. I think it’ll be a lot easier because now we have smartphones and wireless internet and web2.0 and a million things that makes posting so much easier.

The main question is, will I still have things worth writing? Things worth sharing? I always question the validity of posts and what people are trying to say or share.

What I want to share is the feeling I live my life with, the sentiment and poetry I see in the things I experience.

We’ll see, though.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

We could try again: On who I am, among other things

I was complaining for the last part of my life that I lost the emotion that drove most of my posting. Yet, now, all I feel is emotion. I want to have a notebook around for moments of mental clarity, but I never sit still long enough to enjoy them.

I recently found out my sister, Iris, has a blog. It definitely looks more well-kept than mine, and more active, but it's cool to know that I can now read her life from her point of view.

I don't really know why I've tried to keep a blog all these years (I mean YEARS, for those few who have been following me since 2002 --PattyPants, I'm pretty sure that just means you), or why I cannot let go of the need to have one. I have a couple, and I make a horrible mess of trying to keep it up to date. I live life too actively, and all my emotion that I want to transfer and share I live to the fullest. I live it so fully that the aftermath of the lingering experiences are all I can reflect on, and by then I'm too shy to share with the world.

I am not a funny cynic, for that you would have to go to Lauren's Tumblr. I am not nearly as talented a photographer or artist as Patrick Aguilar, who makes me proud with all his efforts and courage (it takes courage to show your art to the world!). Nor am I the best person the internets has ever flirted with. What I am is a girl who loves living her life, and feels emotion in all the things involved in it.

I can't really write for anyone to read, and I think that's what makes it so hard to blog. I want to write and express the deep feelings I have for friends, to elaborate on the new lesson life just dealt me. Yet, my fear is that these things might be too real, or that somehow, something will be hurt by them.

At this time in my life, I've come to discover myself as someone who just really loves living life with the people who I love. I am a happy person, I am someone who tries hard for everyone I know, because I want them to be happy. I am deeper than most can imagine, and have had conversations that have brought so much enlightenment and comfort. I have brought other people to my level, even if it is just for a brief moment. What I want to share is all the things I've learned, all the personalities I've observed, and all the beautiful things I've seen.

I am, also, 22. I party like that. I know it might be strange, but know that this blog, if it really happens, will be filled with just a mosh of things. I party, and I party hard - frequently. Nights of booze, yack and tears do happen, occassionally, so be prepared if you're reading this to read those posts, too. I return this blog's use to be my own personal. I want to be able to read my life over someday, and I want to be able to recall the emotion that drives me to excel (and party).

I feel like I begin all my real blogging with some sort of statement of my person. I hope to someday collect all those statements from blogs of years past, and see how I've grown as a lady.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Hello. My name is Pauline Joy. I miss having a real blog, so here goes.. Weee!